Many people are driven by a desire to manifest love; to build a life and a home with someone who can offer support, understanding, and affection. However, there are dozens of things that can hold you back, and some of these factors may surprise you. Intelligence might seem like virtue and a selling point, but it regularly stands in the way of manifesting love. But why is this the case, and what can you do to increase your chances of finding romance?
If you know you’re smart but you’re always struggling to understand why dating is so hard, this guide will help you figure out how you can find love.
First, we'll explore the general link between high IQ and dating problems. Then we'll turn to the five most significant reasons why this link exists. Throughout, we'll note how these dating problems may be affecting you, and we'll offer suggestions for positive change.
If you have a high IQ, dating problems are more or less par for the course. While it's not the case that only unintelligent people find love, there is ample evidence that being of above-average intelligence creates more dating problems than solutions. This is partly due to the way that smarter people tend to think, and partly due to the personality traits that are typically correlated with high intelligence.
For example, you might notice that you're hardly ever attracted to anyone for very long. Or, maybe your desire to manifest love has to compete with other, equally significant desires. You may also worry that people seem to be driven away by your intellect, rather than attracted to it.
The good news is that a high IQ doesn't have to ruin your dating life. In fact, when used in the right way, it can deepen your connection with people you love and provide you with a more meaningful relationship over time. The trick is to identify how your intelligence often trips you up in the world of romance.
The following five reasons are most likely responsible for many of your struggles. Let’s consider how they develop and how you can overcome them.
Firstly, your intelligence sharpens all areas of your mind. Any time you make a decision, you likely do so on the basis of relevant memories, risk assessments, and predictions about the future.
These abilities will ensure you thrive in the most professional settings, but they can make you view people in a highly negative light and can encourage you to make assumptions based on highly unique past relationships. In particular, you might rule out romantic prospects at a very fast rate, without really taking the time to get to know someone. You may almost have the sense that you're looking for a reason to reject everyone, rather than reasons to keep seeing them.
Try to remember that what ended your last relationship needn't end this one. Try to give everyone a clean slate when it comes to dating.
In addition, remember that you can't “reason” your way in and out of love. Deliberately pay more attention to your emotions, giving them as much respect as your thoughts. When it comes to partner choice, your intuitions are often more reliable than your logical skills. Much of the time, your subconscious is picking up things that pull you towards a person, so don't ignore that feeling when it arises.
Your aforementioned tendency to recall past relationships can also make you more likely to go into self-preservation mode. The smarter you are, the more aware you are of everything that can go wrong, and you may find that you protect yourself to your own detriment. Yes, you may avoid pain, but you'll also avoid joy.
Further, this detached, guarded way of being can give other people the mistaken impression that you're cold, detached, and unfeeling. This can reduce the frequency with which you're approached by potential romantic partners. It can also give you the sense that you're unattractive (which creates a negative feedback loop).
If you want to manifest love, you have to find a way to accept that you can't control every aspect of the experience. One thing that can help is a commitment to finding learning in whatever happens.
The thought is that you'll become less afraid of potential heartache if you know that every relationship that doesn't work out can teach you something valuable that will ensure you do find the right relationship at a later stage. If you reflect on other aspects of your life, you'll see the roadblocks are often the very thing that ends up directing you to the life you're meant to have.
Independence is one of the hallmark characteristics of someone with a high IQ. In some ways, this is a very helpful trait to have. Many people seek relationships because they can't cope with feeling alone, or because they don't feel complete by themselves.
If you're naturally independent, then you're more likely to get into a romantic relationship for the right reasons. On the other hand, if you're used to only taking your own preferences and desires into account, you can struggle to make room for another person in your life. You might not be very good at compromising, or you might easily feel stifled.
One useful strategy is to build your need for independence into a relationship. Schedule time for your own hobbies and for quiet reflection, and explain this need to your potential partners. If they can't cope with it, they're not the right person for you.
Meanwhile, when it comes to learning how to compromise, make this explicit. Most people will understand if you say “I've lived alone for a long time, so I'm still figuring out how to share my time and space with someone”. This indicates that you do want to be sensitive and fair, and allows you to take ownership of your current limitations.
If you have a high IQ, dating problems often derive from the priority you set aside for the partnership. In particular, it may naturally drift to the bottom of the pile, beneath your career and other ambitions.
It's common for smart people to be dreamers, and to have lofty goals that get the bulk of their energy. If falling in love just isn't one of your highest priorities right now, that's fine.
But if you believe that it is a priority, you need to figure out ways to balance relationship maintenance with all the other things that matter to you.
Try using your naturally analytical mind to make a plan for how to spend your week. Using an online calendar, notebook or organizer, make sure that you're budgeting enough time for dating (if you're single), or spending time with a partner (if you're in a relationship).
Over time, this should become more natural, and you should find you naturally start to prioritize romance to a greater degree. If you need a little help with this, be sure to get your copy of our Love Tool Kit.
If it doesn't feel right to do so or you become unhappy, then maybe this is a sign that your goal should be something other than manifesting love right now.
Finally, it's worth considering how others see you. Dating a highly intelligent man or woman can be extremely stimulating, but your high IQ can also make others nervous to approach you. They may worry that you'll reject them, assume that they can't go toe to toe with you in a battle of wits, or worry that you'll make them feel small.
Of course, you know that you also have weaknesses and soft spots; but at first look, all people may see is your enormous brain! This problem can kick in before someone even talks to you. Or it might put them off after a single date makes them feel anxious and silly.
Of course, you should never have to dumb yourself down in order to massage other people's egos or make them feel safe to approach you. However, consider letting more of your flaws show when you're interested in dating someone.
For example, openly discuss the things that you struggle with, and compliment the other person on the things you admire about them. Both of these strategies subtextually communicate that you are not superhuman and that it is still fully possible for you to learn from other people.